TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms Trump Tower Damascus put in in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where my PTSD may have change-down service."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

Report this page